Finding New Happiness

Ya know at the end of the day, does it really matter if I am mad, sad, jealous, or what ever. I mean why do I care this much? I know its done and over with and even if I left over feeling it doesn't matter. I just need to care about my owen well being. Iv gone through such extremes of anxiety and depression its caused me to loose weight and sleep. I mean my parents have thought about me going to see a psychiatrist to get help so i can regulate my stress. But I honestly am starting to just not care about it any more. sure ill probably still feel weird but it really doesn't matter. I should just try to find a few dates (once I have a social life again) and just be the best I can be. Because in the end does it really matter if I have left over feeling?  Sure i held some importance once but now i need to find some one who will find me to be importante. Sure i had a nice 3 year run but its over and done with. Now i just need to try to find my own happiness, because all I am doing is making myself depressed.

Remember to Forget

as the days are passing It is sad to see that my memories of her are starting to fade. they all are starting to seem like a dream that I can't completely remember. I don't know if this is good or bad. But eventually i won't have to much left but a few good memories a few bad ones and left over feelings of love and longing. 

But even if i have those things I still know that I am strong enough to keep moving. I just have to realize that I am no longer important to that person and they don't want me in there life any more. That person told me "I wish you the best." I replied "I had the best and lost it" Then they said "I wish you better." But I don't think I will be able to do better. I want to so just see and talk and spill my heart out, with a hope that things will work out.

But as much as I would love to have what i had before i know it would be a lie, because i know that they would have just wanted to be with other people, specifically one other person. It hurts to know that you were inadequate and that you weren't enough for some one and thats why you lost the single most important person in you life who you loved unconditionally, But one of the hardest things to get over is how much of what they said to me was a lie? Did they really care for me? What made them fall away form me? What was I lacking? What are their regrets? do they still love me? do they wish they could take it back and how will i know they are telling the truth when i know they already lied to me once before?

Time and just ticks away.

I have been thinking a lot about my potential and my future. I am at my prime and I have so much to live for and I am so happy about that. Every thing happens for a reason even if you don't understand it yet. I am sure there are people who don't believe in fate or god but I do. I know that things can get hard, but with patients and time things will unfold right infront of you and you will know what to do when that happens. I am just happy to have the chance for new experiences and a new life =)

The hole fam-damly.

So Thanksgiving was pretty much amazing! I never get to see my extended family. And of course we tell embarrassing stories about each other and just laugh and eat. One of those things happens to be my Uncle Mikel who wore a onesie!

Also my grandma and mom were already starting to rap some xmas present. They are seriously like twins in the way they act and gossip.

But I had to think what I was thankful for because as of recently I had a lot of things not going my way. But upon thinking I realized I am thankful for my family and friends. They have been such a huge supporter for me especially lately. I am also thankful for the new experiences that will surely come my way and hopefully in the not to distant future =)

truly amazing

Hope, it can be the only thing that can drive us at times. even with your will fails, and your faith shatters. Hope is truly an amazing thing, because hope is not just an emotion or an idea. Hope is a reality, but only if you allow time to tick away second by second. But until hope and time take affect, you must remember that some good and happiness came out of your actions. Although you no longer play any role at least you did something.

The Horizon

Change can be a good thing, but along with change can come heart ache and sorrow. Even if life is seeming bleak and depressing things can and will get better. Its hard to let go of something you loved, when most of your memories of happiness are with a person and you want nothing but to re live those happy times in the past. And losing those things can make you feel inadequate, unimportant, sad, angry, jealous. But those memories are in the past for a reason. keep your eyes on the horizon because you will meet new faces, new friends, and new loves. Because if you keep your eyes in the past you might miss something just as spectacular as you once had. So be strong even if its hard, you must bare the world even if it is crushing you. And when you feel darkness creeping in around you and you feel alone and your in  need of help, your family and friends will be there with open arms and hearts.